Developing assertiveness skills is probably the most useful communication skill-set we can learn for supporting and building confidence and self esteem. Assertiveness is an essential skill-set for living from a place of personal power in how we manage ourselves, our needs and rights, our lives and other people.

Think of a continuum with assertiveness in the middle ground. This is where people with strong self esteem position themselves. People with low or weak self esteem tend to be either down the submissive end of the continuum – anxious about pleasing people, maybe being the doormat getting walked over or exploited –  or they may be down the aggressive end, keeping people at a distance in various ways. Both submission and aggression can be seen as ways of trying to avoid rejection or hurt.

Many people confuse assertiveness with aggression – the main differences relate to personal power or powerlessness. Assertiveness comes from a position of personal power and strong self esteem. Assertiveness skills are based on an attitude of respect and consideration of the rights and feelings of others, staying calm, clear and in control of your emotions and reactions.

Generally, aggression escalates the more powerless we feel in the situation – for example if you feel the other person is not listening or acknowledging something that is important to you, or if it seems to you like they are trampling on your needs or rights. If we don’t have the words or the words aren’t working, we tend to resort to physical force in some way from pushing and yelling to more extreme violence.

Rather than reacting or escalating to a point of losing control or saying something you may regret, or attacking or defending, it is about learning to stop, think and choose how you wish to respond. Sometimes this may be to politely and firmly end the conversation, take time out to think it over, agree to disagree or apply one of the other subsets of assertiveness skills. (You can find more information on assertiveness skills if you visit my blog at www.howtobuildselfconfidencefast.com )

Importantly, assertiveness is a critical skill for building confidence and self esteem. You may not always get the result or outcome you want however assertiveness will give you the best chance of a satisfactory outcome and at the very least you will walk away feeling better about yourself and how you handled it.

Rather than being submissive, upset, stewing, losing sleep, implying or hinting in the hope that people will get the message, assertiveness is about speaking up, keeping it simple, accurate, direct, respectful, honest and open.

The basic formula is using “I” language. As much as possible ban the “you” word! It is often inflammatory and can take the focus off the main issue or point you are making.

State as accurately as possible what you are feeling or experiencing in that moment or situation.

The second part of the formula is  the “because” -  the reason or reasons for feeling or experiencing what you are feeling.   Briefly state the facts (not opinions or judgements) about the behaviour or situation at issue as they relate to you. For example be specific about exactly what was said or done or not done.

The third part is to request what you do want instead, rather than what you don’t want, for example “please turn the volume down” rather than “don’t have that music blaring!” – or the red flag at a bull version “Shut up that !*#! noise!”

For example “I feel angry because I’m not getting the help with this project that I was promised and I want us to make a time to sit down this week and sort out some solution that suits us both.”

Aim to be factual and accurate, neither overstating nor understating. Avoid words like “never” and “always”.

Avoid judging or labelling the other person – telling someone “you’re lazy” or “you don’t care” risks defence and attack reactions. Keep it about yourself and as clearly as possible express your needs and rights in the situation.

Giving other people feedback about your experience with them does not need to be unkind or cruel, even though it may not be pleasant. Keep clear about why you are giving the feedback. Keep it relevant. This is not about putting the other person down or interfering in their business, but about negotiating solutions to problems that impact on you.

Stick to the issue and avoid justifying, defending, taking the bait or getting sidetracked. Sometimes you may need to persist and repeat yourself calmly and firmly, using the “broken record” strategy.

Prepare what you want to say and anticipate possible reactions or objections and how you might respond to these. Then rehearse out loud. Rehearsal is more important than you may realise, especially if you are likely to feel anxious – it helps to remember what you want to say when you are under pressure. Practise makes it easy, and you can look forward to assertiveness becoming virtually an automatic response!

As your assertiveness skills improve you can enjoy more positive experiences and outcomes and this in turn will help with building confidence and self esteem.

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Related posts:

1. Building Confidence and Self Esteem – The Initial Assessment
2. Building Confidence and Self Esteem – How Fast Can Change Happen?
3. Building Confidence and Self Esteem – What Gets in the Way?
4. Improving Self Confidence and Assertiveness Skills
5. Interpersonal Skills – The KEY Skills